The key to remaining connected and establishing continued resilience in ourselves and our relationships is held in the concept of repair and rupture.
It is, in fact, the ruptures in our relationships, the ongoing messiness in life, which helps us develop from earliest infancy throughout our adult lives. And research shows that 70 percent of interactions in any typically healthy and secure relationship are messy! These are times when we fall and hurt our knee as a toddler and no one notices, or if we have had a terrible day at the office and our loved one misses our need for connection as they busily set about making dinner and feeding the kids. This is the stuff of life and sometimes our cues for connection are not always picked up. And this is OK if we can repair the rupture in connection.
You see, without repairing the rupture – this is where the other 30 percent comes in – we cannot experience the safety and connection we need. This is when you are able to say more clearly – or more loudly – to your loved one later that night when the kids are quietly watching TV, ‘I’m feeling unheard and I need your focus’, and they respond with adequate care and concern. Or the hurt toddler seeks out their busy mum or dad, who recognises a problem and offers closeness and comfort to sooth their distress. These sorts of interactions establish hope, trust, comfort and a sense that everything will be OK. It allows us to explore, express and experience ourselves and all of our emotions and reactions in a safe way, because we know that ultimately, those closest to us are there for us, and ready and willing to connect when the time is right. We internalise the feeling that we are safe, connected and cared for. If this occurs enough and in an adequate fashion, both little and large life stressors can be tackled from a foundation of increased resilience.
So, if you are quick to fight, flee or shut down when things get tough in life or in your relationship, while also feeling as though you fall short in the capacity to reconnect, you may not have had the necessary exposure to repair and rupture in your earliest relationships. It is also likely that you have an insecure attachment style. But the good news is that neuroplasticity, the science of the brain, informs us that our brains can be rewired. That is, our brains have the capacity to change and develop new neural pathways. We can learn these healthier habits of relating later in life and become more securely attached. This can not only help our relationships grow and mature, but it can also help us learn how to regulate our emotions and manage stressful life experiences.
Therapy can help nurture this capacity and build hope and resilience in reconnecting when things turn sour in our relationships. This can occur through exploring the challenges you are facing in your current relationships, learning more about the science behind how to relate well, and also through exploring your unique ways of experiencing disconnect and repair in the therapeutic relationship itself.
Jacqui Snooks is a counsellor and psychotherapist and the Clinical Director of Haven Counselling and Psychotherapy on the Mornington Peninsula. Click here for more information.
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